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English Pros: I Need Your Help! Can You Help Rewrite This?

By admin Posted in: alternative medicine

I applied for a Care Provider job online with a placement company, but I keep getting messages from them saying,
After careful review, we are unable to approve changes to your Senior Care Profile. Please check that your profile description is in full sentences and that capitalization, grammar and spelling are correct. We also ask that you proof-read your description to ensure that it is complete, accurate, professional and relevant. Once you make these updates, we’ll be able to approve your Senior Care Profile so families can find you when they’re looking for care. Thank you!
What the heck could be wrong with my profile description? Please help me rewrite this so I can get a job!
Here it is;
I have 5 years experience as a care provider caring for the elderly and the handicapped.
I have also been a nanny and a housekeeper for a military family for 3 years.
I have over 10 years experience as a housekeeper and ran my own housekeeping business at one time.
The following is a list of experiences:
My experience includes food shopping, preparing meals, cooking, housekeeping, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning kitchen and bathroom, taking out the garbage, and picking up the mail and newspaper.
Helping the client with dressing and personal grooming, brushing their teeth, shaving, bathing, and transferring them to and from the bed, chair, toilet and vehicle.
Administering medication and accompanying them to their medical appointments, and provide transportation (when provided) to and from appointments, stores, entertainment, and adult day care.
Providing them with companionship, and accompany them to social events, and reading aloud to the patient, and playing games and doing crafts and hobbies.
I am interested in a live in position. Please contact me if you are interested. Thank you. I am willing to live anywhere if the job is right!
Related Hobbies and Interests
My interests are alternative medicine, nutrition, reading, drawing, arts and crafts, painting, camping, traveling, sightseeing, shopping, visiting museums and art museums, going to matinees, plays, Broadway shows, having picnics, and going to the park.
Thank you!

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  1. Anonymous Says

    1. I HAD also been a nanny and housekeeper for military family for 3 years.
    2. The following is a list of my experience(not experiences). After writing this, you don’t need to write ‘my experience includes’. It’s redundant. Preparing meals and cooking are the same, doing THE dishes, cleaning THE kitchen, helping the client with THEIR dressing, …and providing(not provide)transportation, …providing them companionship(remove ‘with’) and accompanyING them… Some of the ‘and’ are also redundant, not needed.
    3. I am interested in a live-in(hyphen) position… should be the last paragraph. ‘thank you’ should be the last words, not in between the sentences.
    4. Related hobbies and interests are as follows…(remove ‘my interests are’, then start listing). The ‘H’ in hobbies, ‘I’ in interest and ‘B’ in broadway should be small not capital letters.
    5. Finally, since you are listing your experiences, shouldn’t they all be in commas? I don’t think they should be in paragraphs since they are being listed. I think they should all be in a paragraph and when you are making another list in a list, introduce it with a semi-colon. For instance, …visiting museums and art museums; going to martinees, plays, broadway shows…
    I hope you get the job. It’s really nice of you to do all these. Good luck

  2. Anonymous Says

    Fils de pute

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